Null and Void

So this is probably the first time I am working on a scrap title.
Yup. This post is not titled yet. I hope to figure out a title as I progress through this entry.
Why such blank emptiness for the title?

I don’t know.

Maybe because I don’t even know why I am writing this. Or for whom. Or to attain what purpose.

Wow.

So my writing style has always been random, but today I am being random about being random? Inception, much?

Ok here goes.

Have you ever felt that sense of void within you, when you are not upset, you are not sad, there is nothing wrong, but for some inexplicable reason, there is a vast emptiness within? Like a black hole, pulling you towards it with a force so strong you cannot resist? And on some level, you don’t even want to resist it.
You want to be drawn towards the oblivion. You crave for the void with such strong a desire that you don’t even realise when it overpowers you. And then, there is peace.
In such unsettling silences of the mind, there is an eerie sense of peace.
Because when you are consumed by the vast emptiness, you are nothing. And when you are nothing, you can be anything..
And it is here, where you know you are safe with your thoughts, that you are able to admit to yourself things that you normally would not. Here is where you are free to be yourself.

Because you are no longer bound by emotions. You feel nothing. Not happy. Not sad. There is only emptiness. An overpowering emptiness that begins with discomfort.
Yes, I’ve been through such a turmoil only recently. At first, the void made me uneasy, because I kept looking for reasons to explain it. I tried to find logic behind it. I went so much crazy that I wanted to feel pain. be upset, get angry, just feel something, anything, but not this vast void. Isn’t that how you would have felt too?
There’s even a lyric in a song that I love. It goes “Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all”. It’s a song by Lady Antebellum. Quite a lovely song, I must say..!
And maybe on some level, it is easier to feel hurt and pain than feeling nothing. Pain is real. Void, surreal. And that’s whats freaky about it.

So, my quest to hurt myself was on a full swing. I remembered the zillion instances that have hurt me, the bad memories, the heartbreaks, the nights I have cried myself to sleep, the days I felt breathing was nauseating, the times when I felt suffocated by my own thoughts. I tried to trigger a response, but to no avail. Even the worst of memories failed to instigate any emotion in me. Except a sense of despair, maybe. And that’s when it hit me.

I was trying to fight nothing. How could it even be possible to fight nothing? If it’s not there, it isn’t there. So I let it be.
I accepted that there is a void within right now, and I let it be. I let my mind float to nothingness and I did not fight it.
And after that, once the turmoil of the void subsided, there was peace. True, actual peace.

A sense of calmness took over along with the void. And that felt good. It felt real.
And in that moment was I able to speak out to myself things I normally don’t even say out aloud for the fear of not being able to take my words back.
But in my sense of calm and void, I found so much comfort to admit the deepest desires I did not even know I had. And I was not afraid to be who I am.

It felt like a meditation. The difference being, meditation lasts few minutes or hours. This lasts for days or weeks. Well, days in my case, but you get the idea.

The best part is, if you can handle the initial uneasiness of a void, then there are boundless joys awaiting..!

Or maybe it was very specific to me and cannot be generalised.

Whatever maybe the case, it worked in my benefit. The black hole pulled away so many negativities and left behind a state of nothingness. And when you are nothing, you can be everything!

– J

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