Comfortably Numb

A long time ago, someone told me that a part of him that was long dead, comes alive when he is with me. I never knew what that meant.. How can a part of you be dead? I mean, that sounds surreal. I thought he was using all these words to make me feel special, and I must say, it worked.

I never asked him what he meant.
I never knew what he meant. And I never will.

This dialogue is from the sepia tinted pages of ancient history that is long gone and cherished. I never thought I would think about it again.

Until now.

Because now, I know what he meant.

No, not how I brought back the life.
But I know now.. I know what it feels like to be numb halfway. To have a part of you dead.. To be nothing…

I know now, that it takes something extra ordinary to bring back that part to life. And that is not easy to find… Ever…
I know now, that it is possible to live and be happy and smile, and still have a part of you dying… Or dead… And that’s okay.
I know now, that someday the parts of me that are long dead will come back to life. And that’s okay. But that day, is not today…

It sounds ridiculously deranged and depressed, I know.
But that’s the funny part. I am not upset. Not even close.

I just had this epiphany that some wounds take longer time to heal than you would have imagined. They don’t hurt anymore, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are there.

And funnier bit is this. The bruises and wounds and scars and burns have been residing within for so long now, that I had forgotten that they exist. And slowly, they have killed a part of me, even without me ever noticing it!

Did it hurt?
Does it hurt?

Something that is dead has no power over me. How can it hurt?
It cannot. It does not.
It has somehow just consumed a part of me. And now that part is dead.

And so I know what it means now.
A part of me that was long dead.
A part of me that is long dead…
The solace lies in this.
It can come back to life.
And it being dead has no power over my current happiness.

But when this part of me shall revive, I would feel the extreme heights of happiness hitting me with a magnitude I never knew existed. And my world that has always been complete would emerge out in such shimmery zeniths of sparkling diamonds that I would gape in disbelief that this is really happening.

Yes. I am overly optimistic.
I can’t help it. But I know this would happen.
Because I brought back the life in someone’s void.
Filling that void took a toll on my own life, yes, that is true.
But someday, I was the reason someone felt the peaks of the diamond shimmer thing I mentioned earlier.

If that’s not a reason to be happy, I don’t know what is !
And until I reach my zenith, I am happy being comfortably numb!

– J

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