The Rainbow

I don’t even know where to begin.

I have been broken for a long time now. This void is not a first. I wrote about voids. How they make you strong. But I guess it is easy to talk about being strong AFTER the turmoil is over.
Where am I right now? In the middle of a tornado. In the darkest spot of the void. In the midst of nowhere.

Yes. I have been broken before.

So why is it so hard this time? Why am I up, in the middle of the night, writing this? I should be sleeping. I have to wake up early tomorrow.
But I cannot. I just cannot.

It is different this time. I had started healing. I thought I was getting fixed. Life was perfect. And so, it hurts.

It is easy to stay broken. But breaking down after the healing process starts? Now that hurts.
And that’s why people are addicted to the pain. Addicted to being numb. Addicted to feeling nothing.

There is comfort in pain. Because you get used to being broken. There is no more hurt left. Numbness takes over and you feel nothing. The pain becomes a part of you. As long as it is there, nothing can hurt you.
But what happens once it is gone? What happens when you get fixed?

You shatter again. Into a thousand tiny pieces.

And what is the best part about being broken? You can no longer break anymore.

And so, happiness scares me. It freaks me out.

I’d rather stay broken. I am okay the way I am. I am okay being okay. I do not want happiness. I do not want joy. I am not meant to be happy. It is not for me.
Some people are just not meant to be loved.
Or so, I thought.

Life is difficult, and will continue to be so.
But it is easy to stay numb. Sitting in that same comfortable spot. Crying over the same story. Doing nothing and staying broken.
Yes, that is easy. Like, really easy.

Then what exactly is difficult?
Happiness!

We get too caught up in the web that our mind builds for us that we tend to take the easy way out. Easiest, actually!

We settle for being okay. Now that is something that should NOT be okay.
Yes. Happiness scares me.

I fear that the moment healing begins, something will go wrong and I will fall apart again. After a tornado, even the slightest wind can scare me. Or anyone. I hope I’m not alone in this!

So we prepare ourselves for the worst.

But it is different this time. The healing hasn’t stopped. I am still getting fixed. Life IS perfect. And so, it will be okay!

Funny thing, paranoia. It makes you see crazy things. It makes you do crazy things.
Yes, I do not want happiness. How can I want something that I already have? I am surrounded by people who love me and I have people in my life who will stand by me till the very end. Or, till the next life!

Some people are meant to stay forever.

See, here lies the difference.
Yes, my demented mind still lurks in the dark.
Yes, I find my peace in darkness.

But now, there is light. And it is real. It is all around me.
And after the darkness subsides, the light takes over now.

Only after the rain subsides can the rainbow shine.
And so, I’ll wait for mine

– J

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