April and The Fool!

So, for the entire world, 1st April is the hallowed April Fool’s Day. For this particular fool, it’s 15th!

I need to stop looking at my Facebook memories so much. An older status reminded me why, back in the day, this particular date was especially upsetting for me.

It was 2013, I was in office, I got some distressing news, I hugged a friend and quickly cried a bit on her shoulders, and went back to work. Hustle hard, eh?

Not that it matters anymore. But nonetheless, it’s a memory hard to let go off.

Letting go. Two simple words that literally, and I do mean literally, hold the key to mental peace. I was going to say “happiness” but maybe that’s too tall a claim to make. So, let’s settle on mental peace for now.

I have issues with letting go. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an overthinker. A quality that helps me perform better at work, and a quality that keeps mental peace a few kilometres away from me.

It’s such a pointless thing, this overthinking. But it has helped me stay prepared for the worst. Does that help? Does it make sense for me to suffer a circumstance even before it happens? Or, something that might not even happen?

Debatable.

It does eat at my head, slowly chipping away my sanity, one stupid thought at a time. And yet, it has, somehow, made me more appreciative of the small things in life.

Maybe that’s why I am an overthinker. I like to look at things from all perspectives and notice every small detail of everything life throws my way. This is literally where my optimism comes from. And yet, this is exactly the source of my cynicism.

Ironic?

It’s an epiphany I just had. And ridiculous as it may sound, it makes sense.

So, here I am. A fool sitting by her bedside on a fine April evening. Overthinking things instead of analyzing them. Trying to squash mountains of doubt but only getting buried under them. Searching for the stars in the night sky yet failing to notice the freshness in the air.

And I sit. In silence. In solitude. In sorrow.

What is it that upsets me so much? I am none the wiser.

It’s a feeling of, well, nothingness. Numb, if you will.

All because I cannot let go of what’s weighing heavy on my heart.

There’s this line in “Life of Pi”

I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.

Yann Martel, Life of Pi

The whole quote is wonderful. But if I just take the slice I love, it makes so much sense that life boils down to the act of letting go. This sentence can have umpteen interpretations and they all hold true.

Now, if only letting go was that easy. But maybe, just maybe, it’s so difficult because it is essential? It’s the crux of happiness, in a way. So why not? Why not try harder and let go?

I don’t always have to suffer on the fifteenth of April. And I don’t always have to be a fool.

We fall, we get up, we make mistakes, we learn our lessons. And we try to do the right thing, and yet fail. But never do we stop trying again, do we?

Maybe we take decisions that make sense to us now. Maybe in hindsight I’ll know better.

For now, all I can do is do the best I can and let go of what’s weighing me down.

And maybe, just maybe, the sun will shine again in the morning!

– J

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