Calm in the Chaos

Life happens.

And no matter how much time you have on your hands, you will not be able to process it.

This sounds needlessly dark, I just realized. But I mean it in a good way. For me, atleast.

I recently moved back home from Delhi to Chandigarh. I had a good 40 days on hand before the physical move happened. 40 days. And I did not get the time to process this move. In fact, I was planning to write about my thoughts on leaving Delhi, shedding light onto my experiences in the city. Clearly, that never happened. In 40 days, I could not take out 40 minutes to put my emotions into words.

Not for lack of time. Though I can practically hear myself giving out excuses about how I did not have a minute to spare in between packing my stuff, going to work, finalizing the handover, and meeting everyone in the city before leaving. It is true that I barely had time to myself to sit back and obsess over the big move. However, it is also true that any chance I got to mull over this transition, I chose not to take it.

Why?

Good question.

I guess I am trying to find the answer to this question myself as I write this. It was too much to process, sure. But the overthinker in me knows that I never waste a moment before drowning myself in pointless thoughts and analysis when things go wrong. This situation, however, was different. Is different!

Every new change coming my way was good. The job, the city, the homecoming. All things that I was truly looking forward to. I was overcome with emotions, which also included nostalgia for my time in NCR and a hint of sorrow I was feeling for leaving behind my life in the capital city. My brain was jumping from happy to sad to excitement to frustration. Overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed.

And I simply could not get myself to calm down and just think about the change. Because deep in my heart, I knew I had nothing to worry. Nothing at all.

So I guess subconsciously, I did not want to process it. The chaos I have known all my life. The calm? I am still trying to get acquainted to it.

At the risk of sounding very absurd, there was a sense of peace in my restlessness in those 40 days. I was crazy occupied, I barely had time to finish off all the items in my things-to-do-before-shifting checklist (side note: I somehow managed to do it all, yay), and I was running around like a headless chicken while trying to get all of my stuff packed well within time. It was insane. And yet, it was comforting.

Sometimes I find my calm in my chaos. When things are happening all around me, or when pieces are in motion, or even when the board is being set for the next move. I have come to realize I thrive in such circumstances. It’s ironic. For someone who loves being lazy and doing absolutely nothing, I sure enjoy keeping my mind occupied.

But here I am. Embarking upon a new chapter in life. And, getting to move back home. In a city I love. With people I love. And with a fresh new beginning in my career. Touchwood!

This is life’s way of teaching me how to slow down and savor the goodness all around. And hopefully, I can process all of this better, now that I am smack in the middle of my comfort zone.

There’s still a little bit of chaos and nervous energy, as is the norm with any change. But as they say, fiddle around in the pool long enough, eventually you will learn to swim.

And swim, I will! 🙂

– J

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